Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Huge, if true.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies