me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Banana is the quietest snack
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi