WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I have the body of a much older man
The morgue still doesn’t know he’s missing
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist
Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”