Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down