Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*


My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

I knew I should have buried him in the garden!


I have the body of a much older man

The morgue still doesn’t know he’s missing


Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???


Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.


The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.


If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.


[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”