me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Worth remembering.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Put a ring on it
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Simple
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’