ME: *makes my first million*

MY BOSS AT THE U.S. MONEY PRINTING PRESS: yeah, we usually don’t make em bigger than a hundred

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therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add book to cart

therapist: no


A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa


Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.


She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?


Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.


My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.


My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy


People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”