@TheHyyyype

ME: *makes my first million*

MY BOSS AT THE U.S. MONEY PRINTING PRESS: yeah, we usually don’t make em bigger than a hundred

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@FAETREY

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add book to cart

therapist: no

@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@PetiteRainCity

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

@RoastedPapad

She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?

@funnyordie

Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.

@venomjunkie2

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

@WheelTod

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”