I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”