me: [making a chicken salad]

chicken: thanks i love salad

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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir


Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.


Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.


My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.


[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*


Oh no.


Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.


Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.