@KyleSmells

me: [making a chicken salad]

chicken: thanks i love salad

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@Browtweaten

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

@sumpeoplelikeit

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

@just1fool

Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.

@shahrouzt

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

@steve_jorbz

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

@LaBaPete

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.