@VirginiaMcMurdo

Me making a grocery list: What essential stuff are we needing?

Him: *lists exotic, little-used spices*

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@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@samstein

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

@harrows_

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

@Brampersandon_

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

@ChicksRule

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?