It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Science memes
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Sunday
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time