A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.