Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
You Might Also Like
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Saturday
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish