@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

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@justabloodygame

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

@seamussaid

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@dave_cactus

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

@ADHDeanASL

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

@ojedge

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]