Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: