@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

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@anerdonfire2

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

@NicestHippo

[girl points at my scar]
What happened?
Oh that? Old sports injury.
[flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]

@LMHPhotog

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS

YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF

DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@MmeSurly

My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.

@BoogTweets

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

@Contwixt

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

@Ygrene

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom