As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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[girl points at my scar]
Oh that? Old sports injury.
[flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom