I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.