Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks