These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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the noise i just made
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Not all heroes wear capes.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone