ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Here’s a meme
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?