@ArfMeasures

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

You Might Also Like

@hurlarious

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*

@thedad

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

@HogwartsLogic

If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

@JamesonN7

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@Jandalize

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?