Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it
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She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?
Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
Hey girl, how ’bout some head?
– Henry VIII
This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.