@tricycle_champ

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

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@ch000ch

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

@joejwest

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

@simoncholland

My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.

@momsense_ensues

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

@BleakBaron

Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm

@hyperseas

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings