got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
-six beers please
My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm
I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.