@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

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@KyleDodsonFunny

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

@RobertJrDowney

I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

@Go2Slp

“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.

@AdderallMomma

“BANGING BODY”
Thanks
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
“…”
BOOM

@SvnSxty

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

@BlindVigil

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…