Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@nise_shi

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

@Jeffwni

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

@fuckthem00n

me: goodnight moon

moon:

me: [pumping shotgun] forever

@jellybnbonanza

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

@distracted_monk

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

@KyleMcDowell86

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

@SaveItForFest

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

@pattonoswalt

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

@Gooooats

I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

@TheToddWilliams

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?