@KyleDodsonFunny GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
@FU_TangClan Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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@KyleDodsonFunny 
@RobertJrDowney I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
@Go2Slp “Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”
– Me with Thin Mints, and women.
@AdderallMomma “BANGING BODY”
Thanks
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
“…”
BOOM
@SvnSxty CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
@_debbii3e First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
@clusterBtraits This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
@michaeldean0116 A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
@samalmightysam You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
@BlindVigil I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…