@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

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@protolalia

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

@funflaps

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

@senderblock23

Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno

@amselts

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@ThaJawn

*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?