Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.
*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?