Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
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INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me trying to look natural in photos
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.