@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.

She: But you don’t have glaucoma.

Me: See?

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@rohoxbaby

Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”

@NewDadNotes

[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.

@_CherriAnn_

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

@_troyjohnson

Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@TheAlexNevil

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

@ItsMePonyBoy

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

@Jake_Vig

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?