@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

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@jwPencilAndPad

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@TheToddWilliams

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

@Just__J0

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

@Eden_Eats

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha