(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING
How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell “SURPRISE YOU’RE ERIC’S GIRLFRIEND”
My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
just spent so long prying my step grandmother’s locket open and it was 100% worth it
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[job interview at Sears]
MANAGER: why do you want to work here?
ME: because I need a jo-
MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?
ME: …i don’t :/
MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we
Mistakes married women make:
1. Assuming he heard you.
2. Assuming he understood you.
3. Assuming he’ll remember.
4. Marrying a man.