Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.


*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.


The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999


ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]



SHEM:It’s full


SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen


I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.


This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter


Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha