I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The Punning Dead.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”