Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?

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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.


Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list


Me: Children are the future


Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*


Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.


*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*


Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!

Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: I’m getting a new Mom.


Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.


I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???


ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.