So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …
She : You want both !?
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Me: Children are the future
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!
Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?
Me: I’m getting a new Mom.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.