@Chay_Raghu

Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?

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@HatfieldAnne

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

@JasonNotEvil

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

@mom_ontherocks

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

@Nahdude83

*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*

@TheMichaelRock

Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!

Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: I’m getting a new Mom.

@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@MeatloafComedy

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

@DurtMcHurtt

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.