Me: Mattresses gain weight over time as they absorb dead skin, colonies of dust mites (which feed on same dead skin), oil, and moisture

Them: You need to learn how to have a conversation

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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners


i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.


I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.


When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.


there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911


Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.


HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too


Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment


Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.


welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird