Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
multitasking lunch
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.