THIS IS SPARTA!
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…