13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: I’ll have a sad meal please
McDonald’s worker: do you mean a happy meal?
Me: I’m not happy
Worker: I think the meal is named after what it makes you feel
Me: I’ll have a greasy heartburn and guilt meal please
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs