@junejuly12

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

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@VerbsRProudest

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

@skedaddle74

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

@Furry_Beaver

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

@PetrickSara

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

@Darlainky

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

@PinkCamoTO

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

@hermanntrude

Me: I’ll have a sad meal please

McDonald’s worker: do you mean a happy meal?

Me: I’m not happy

Worker: I think the meal is named after what it makes you feel

Me: I’ll have a greasy heartburn and guilt meal please

@pilau

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs