Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

You Might Also Like


13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.


Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.


My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.


My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.


“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.


It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”


Me: I’ll have a sad meal please

McDonald’s worker: do you mean a happy meal?

Me: I’m not happy

Worker: I think the meal is named after what it makes you feel

Me: I’ll have a greasy heartburn and guilt meal please


doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs