@junejuly12

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

You Might Also Like

@AnOrangeSNES

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

@realHamOnWry

I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.

@GeorgiaSweet20

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@AllanForsyth

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

@UncleDuke1969

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

@megantwentytwo

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…