My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
There are usually two types of merchants.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.