JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Why can’t we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say “RT if you hate puppies and babies.”
“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?