@kiel_phillips
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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@kiel_phillips
@PJTLynch
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
@david8hughes
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
@Dutch_50
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
@ShutUpThatsWho
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
@BridgetPhetasy
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
@Sarcasticsapien
Why can’t we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say “RT if you hate puppies and babies.”
@SlenderSherbet
“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”
@PaperWash
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
@thedad
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what