@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

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@kiel_phillips

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

@PJTLynch

My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

@BridgetPhetasy

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

@Sarcasticsapien

Why can’t we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say “RT if you hate puppies and babies.”

@SlenderSherbet

“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”

@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@thedad

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what