Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
spot the difference
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.