@justokpanda

Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.

Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?

Me: Next slide please

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@CrockettForReal

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

@deardilettante

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

@MsSkaarsgard

People are allowed to change their mind, I whisper, as I reach for a third Cinnabon.

@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

@haveigotnews

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

@duplicitron

I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.

@lmegordon

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

@samalmightysam

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

@KielyHealey

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

@adam_bloomquist

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.