Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.

Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?

Me: Next slide please

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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us


[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”


People are allowed to change their mind, I whisper, as I reach for a third Cinnabon.


My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”


After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.


I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.


I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.


No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.


When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.


If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.