Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.
Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?
Me: Next slide please
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Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Boss: Who’s this? Your girlfriend?
Me: Oh she’s not my girlfriend. Not yet anyway *gives her an affectionate nudge* Actually it’s our first date
Her: I’m having the worst time
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.
*points at hotel towels*