I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
it must be school picture day
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
what
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.