Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

my astrological sign is a french fry

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident