@PatsATweetin

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

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@elle91

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@Sickayduh

Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke.

*flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta’s face*

Nick Cage: I already handled it

@NoTheOtherJohn

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

@thatcarlygirl

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

@mack44_d

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@evildadatron

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

@ArfMeasures

DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?
ME: Yeah, sure

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Harry?
ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade

@MsTexas1967

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you