@ClichedOut

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

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@FuniBob

*slaps a twenty on the hospital front desk*

I’ll take one baby please

@VerifiedDrunk

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

@Tmoney68

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

@Smethanie

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

@Smethanie

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

@TheAlexNevil

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

@TimODee16

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?