@Staggfilms

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

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@iGreenMonk

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.

@iGreenMonk

She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter

He:Its curiosity about sex

She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out

@daplusk

I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@joegoats

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@KaufmanAudrey

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

@Starlight2112

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

@daemonic3

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.