Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter
He:Its curiosity about sex
She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out
I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.