ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
lmao
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery