ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.