ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

- @Tommytoughstuff

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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”


I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.


If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.


*sees Deer Crossing sign*

*further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix*

“Oh wow, they weren’t lying”


Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am


Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom


*calls Rosetta Stone*
Yes hi I was wondering if you had a course on body language
*my friend choking on buffalo wings clutches his throat*


A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.


Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.


[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?


[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”