ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only