ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Thursday Thought.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Life cycle of cat
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.