me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
You Might Also Like
What kind of a cult is this?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
wishing you and yours all the best
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…