ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you