Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures