@NotOnTheMoors

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

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@dshack8

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

@DanTaylorAuthor

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

@BraandoCommando

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

@Jacob_Swift16

You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@jonnysun

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

@KWalps

priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat

@benjiovo

Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.