Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT