I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
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BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
People who still say ‘YOLO’ only deserve to live once anyway.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’