Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected