The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
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ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*seductively eats two tums*
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
yeah 😭
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?