[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.
I wish you were a real boy
Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*
[3 hrs later]
Geppetto: This was a mistake
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.