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@ThugRaccoons

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

@OctopusCaveman

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

@BoogTweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

@TheMichaelRock

We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.

@iamspacegirl

Geppetto:
I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake

@swiftenhaal

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

@Staggfilms

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

@_salt_n_lime

Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.