Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
🙄😏😂🤣
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best