My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should’ve just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.
Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: I’m thinking.
please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.