me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”