@TheAndrewNadeau

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

You Might Also Like

@ROSEandDAYFIELD

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

@Amburglar_

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@kwirkyKerri

All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should’ve just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.

@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@UncleDuke1969

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

@seejaylinco

please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time

@AngryRaccoon2

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

@LurkAtHomeMom

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.