me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.


Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.


All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should’ve just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.


Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time


Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.


please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time


“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”


No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.