32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.
I don’t have kids, did I do that right?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It