Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.