good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones
Me: *mouths I love you*
M: *blows kiss*
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it
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6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
Me: same idea
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.