Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.