Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.