Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart